HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?
Oprah Winfrey said she'll move to Santa Barbara because she can't stand Chicago's weather. Since the inauguration the city has lost their governor, the Olympics and Oprah. The pollsters have begun referring to Chicago as Obama's Iraq.
Michael Jackson won four American Music Awards in Hollywood Sunday. He left us in grand style. He was so high on Valium, Xanax, Percocet, Demerol and anesthesia when he died that he'll go down in history as the first person ever to descend to heaven.
Lou Dobbs said Monday he might run for U.S. president in three years. People who know him say he has way too much embarrassing personal baggage to run for public office. Comedians heard this and immediately started circulating Draft Lou petitions.
Governor Mark Sanford was accused Tuesday of using GOP funds to fly to Rio and see the mistress he called his soulmate. It's the clumsiest mid-life crisis anyone's ever seen. Colin Powell bought a red Corvette and hasn't been in one ounce of trouble.
Sarah Palin's Going Rogue sold out in bookstores Friday and Harper Collins had to print two million more copies. It makes you wonder. Imagine how many books Newt Gingrich would have sold by now if he'd taken his pants off for the cover of Newsweek. The American Medical Association and AARP launched an ad campaign to reassure seniors about proposed cuts to Medicare in the health care reform bill. It may work. The calming letters include a month's supply of Prozac samples in the envelope.
President Obama chose to honor India for his first state dinner Tuesday saying it shows the primacy of U.S.-India relations. It's worth a try. Technical support just might improve if we have a special relationship with the customer service representatives.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon did a huge movie box-office of one hundred and forty million dollars last weekend. Young people have always flocked to movies about vampires. Everybody loves a bloodsucker until they get their first property tax bill.
The U.S. Senate began hearings into the Army's failure to flag Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Hasan. The rules are clear. The Army couldn't expel Major Hasan for vowing to launch Islamic jihad against American troops, only for having sex with them.
President Obama stood on top of the Great Wall of China in Beijing on Thursday and called it a magical sight. That's good manners. Five years ago President Bush stood at the exact same place and shouted out for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down this wall.
L.A. Clippers announcer Ralph Lawler got suspended for a game for mispronouncing Iran after a Muslim season ticket holder complained. So much for looking for Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. He's been sitting courtside at the Clippers games all this time.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's attorney said Monday the sheik plans to use his trial to give his view of U.S. foreign policy. He's going to sit there and argue that the U.S. should bring its troops home from Muslim countries. Only the natural-born citizen clause in the Constitution prevents the sheik from leading the polls in New Hampshire.
Hillary Clinton said Tuesday Iraq might delay its January election because the parties can't agree on the allocation of parliamentary seats. Right now power sharing in Iraq means sharing a candle until the electricity comes back on. We've got them all reading by candlelight hoping that eventually they'll produce an Abe Lincoln.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Opinion
Does this mean everyone gets a new Santa Barbara?
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A turning point in Oklahoma’s health
The governor’s announcement of a tobacco ban on any state-owned or leased properties may be a turning point in the state’s push for better health. We’re currently ranked 48th in the United Health Foundation rankings. We made some progress, ...
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It’s cheaper to rebuild
Cleveland County commissioners are weighing what to do with the old jail built in 1983. We hope they don’t forget the need for some type of holding area for prisoners brought to the courthouse by the sheriff’s department....
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Concern about conflict
There is growing concern worldwide that Israel might launch an attack on Iranian nuclear plants. Is it a bluff, designed to bring about tough economic sanctions, or is this Israel’s way of preparing the world for a major ...
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Big issues on the line in state water dispute
With all the low-level bickering over the state’s water future and the tribal claims to lakes and streams in southeastern Oklahoma, it’s easy to forget that it all began because a Texas water district wanted to purchase water flowing out ...
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Secondhand smoke in cars
A bumper sticker spotted around the courthouse in Norman says, “At least I can still smoke in my car.” It reflects smokers’ frustration at being pushed out of public spaces....
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Polio nearly eradicated worldwide
From her quarantined hospital room on the third floor of Ellison Hall, seven-year-old Alesha Timmons Moring could often see her father, Boyce, as he headed into his office inside OU’s Evans Hall each day. They would exchange waves. ...
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Putting veterans back to work
Military veterans returning from wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have an employment rate of 13.1 percent compared to the non-veterans rate of 8.1 percent. It’s an embarrassment that men and women returning have trouble landing and keeping ...
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Obamacare is socialist nightmare
Editor, The Transcript: And now for the rest of the story… “Obamacare, Another Entitlement Nightmare.” The recent St. Louis Post Dispatch editorial reprint illustrates the sophistry that characterizes the liberal mindset now grasping the ...
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Gas price dip hurts state’s revenue spike
As hard as we try, Oklahoma still can’t shake our dependence on oil and gas tax revenues. It grew in the 1970s, leveled off in the 1980s and 1990s and has been increasing ever since....
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Soccer violence in Egypt
The 2014 World Cup soccer match was a side topic in Brazilian ambassador Mauro Vieira’s visit to the University of Oklahoma this week. Brazil will host the match at locations throughout the country....
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A turning point in Oklahoma’s health
