BEVERLY HILLS -- God bless America, and how's everybody?
The White House took North Korea off the terrorism watch list Friday. They are relatively harmless. This year's premiere episode of Twenty-Four has a suitcase nuclear bomb detonating in Times Square and doing less damage than President Bush has done.
President Bush revealed plans to nationalize the banks Thursday as Wall Street plummeted. He's taking years off our lives. This administration will go down in history as the only one that began and ended with bond traders jumping out of windows.
Saturday Night Live alum Al Franken took the lead in the polls Thursday in the Minnesota U.S. Senate race. The comedian had no choice but to run for high office. He doesn't look enough like Sarah Palin to get his old job back on Saturday Night Live.
Paris Hilton told Harper's Bazaar Friday that Sarah Palin should wear low-cut blouses and tight skirts. Consider the source. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills told her plastic surgeon to make her just like Paris Hilton, so he gave her a lobotomy.
Virgin Airlines refused a million dollar offer from a movie producer Monday to shoot a porno film on their space flights. He wanted to film the first porno movie ever shot in zero gravity. It could revitalize the career of a lot of older actresses.
O.J. Simpson went to jail Friday after his conviction for a hotel room robbery at the Palace Station in Las Vegas last year. O.J. had no idea that everything in the hotel room was being recorded. Some guys still live in a pre-September 11th world.
Oliver Stone's movie about the life of President Bush opens in theaters Friday and highlights his embattled family relationships. He's always been more warlike than he was romantic. The evening he proposed to Laura he gave her a conflict diamond.
President Bush met with Group of Seven nations finance ministers to try to end the liquidity crisis. He's clearly in way over his head. The president never should have let his brother Neil talk him into taking that teaser-rate loan to move into Iraq.
Barack Obama admitted knowing Sixties terrorist Bill Ayers Thursday. He headed the radical group Weathermen. John McCain's campaign is taping the Weather Channel night and day trying to find some current footage of Bill Ayers blowing something up.
Barack Obama denied any terrorist ties to Bill Ayers on ABC News Wednesday. He may have other skeletons in that area. According to Nevada's voter registration rolls, Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden have already voted for him by mail in Las Vegas.
John McCain admitted that young voters know little about the Vietnam War which defines his biography. They can't seem to grasp that the U.S. might have been in a war that wasn't fought over oil. They just assume that cars in the 60s ran on rice.
John McCain and Barack Obama argued over who offered the best health care plan Thursday. It's increasingly become a religious issue. More and more Americans are becoming Christian Scientist because it has the only health care plan they can afford.
Galveston residents began rebuilding Tuesday in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike's destruction. The bad news is, many people went four weeks with no electricity and no television. The good news is, they got to generate their own sex and violence.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Opinion
How to be dangerous
- Opinion
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AA’s decision a blow to Tulsa
The announcement by American Airlines that it will likely lay off almost a third of its Tulsa work force is terrible news. Looking for the bright side, the huge Tulsa maintenance facility will keep almost 70 percent of its employees ...
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Oklahoma kids rank low
Oklahoma kids continue to rank low in terms of poverty, health, child welfare, early childhood development and hunger....
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Schools deserve best equipment, teachers
A candidate at a state Senate forum this past week repeated the oft-made comment that Oklahoma has too many school districts. We agree some consolidation is needed, and it’s happening. But the candidate went beyond that and said we don’t ...
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Thanks from our readers
Oklahoma senators serving on the finance committee wisely killed a bill that would effectively tax newspaper and magazine subscribers. It came up on the session’s first full day of work and was quickly dispatched by a 13-1 vote....
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Independent group needed
Editor, The Transcript: I wanted to write a letter a long time ago, but Ms. Rogers’ letter claiming that “Chromium levels in the water shouldn’t cause alarm” pushed me over the edge. As an environmental professional in Oklahoma, I have ...
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Governor, chancellor push higher grad rates
Oklahoma has long had college students who leave campus before finishing their degrees. They leave to take jobs in order to support families, they get behind in studies and don’t see a way out, or they just need a break. Additionally, some ...
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Quitting should be smokers’ choice
The Jan. 29 editorial “The high cost of tobacco” claimed that tobacco use costs Oklahomans a lot of money, but it did not disclose the fact that tobacco use produces a lot of money for Oklahomans, which — in the interest of being fair — ...
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A turning point in Oklahoma’s health
The governor’s announcement of a tobacco ban on any state-owned or leased properties may be a turning point in the state’s push for better health. We’re currently ranked 48th in the United Health Foundation rankings. We made some progress, ...
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It’s cheaper to rebuild
Cleveland County commissioners are weighing what to do with the old jail built in 1983. We hope they don’t forget the need for some type of holding area for prisoners brought to the courthouse by the sheriff’s department....
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Concern about conflict
There is growing concern worldwide that Israel might launch an attack on Iranian nuclear plants. Is it a bluff, designed to bring about tough economic sanctions, or is this Israel’s way of preparing the world for a major ...
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AA’s decision a blow to Tulsa
