HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?
Dick Cheney was caught by television cameras sound asleep while he was sitting at Wednesday's cabinet meeting at the White House. Nobody missed it. Iranian intelligence agents saw Dick Cheney asleep and moved the weapons of mass destruction back into Iraq.
The New York Giants played the Miami Dolphins Sunday in London under heavy security. Surveillance cameras with face recognition software kept criminals from entering the stadium. The first club to field a team was declared the winner.
The Weather Channel's satellite photos Tuesday showed fires extending from Santa Barbara to San Diego. Conditions were ripe for wildfires. When those For Sale signs have been standing out on the front lawn longer than six months they're like kindling.
Forbes upgraded Sands Hotel owner Sheldon Adelson on its Most Wealthy list. He's made $6 million an hour since his casino in China opened last month. No one wants to say it's laundering a lot of money but you can see the suds from the Space Station.
The White House announced Thursday it will place harsh sanctions on Iran. This is a nasty trap. President Bush wants to get rid of that evil nut before he blows up the entire planet but that would make Nancy Pelosi next in line for the presidency.
Osama bin Laden admitted making mistakes in a taped message to Iraq Monday and he apologized for blowing up Iraqi citizens. It's embarrassing. Osama only quit drinking last year and already he's ahead of President Bush on working his amends list.
Pat Robertson last week warned the U.S. of God's wrath if we divide Jerusalem. Now we know the secret of his trick. All he needs is a five-day forecast for the Santa Ana winds and he can take credit for the destruction of California once a year.
San Diego's Qualcomm Stadium housed brushfire evacuees Wednesday and drew rave reviews for its upscale amenities. The people of New Orleans deserve an explanation. The California National Guard were away in Iraq so integration is pretty much on hold.
Southern California sheriffs went on alert Monday when fires spread from Santa Barbara to Rancho Santa Fe. The looting was shameless. Many of the residents sold their insurance stocks just before the wildfires began and they made off like bandits.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger got high marks Friday for his leadership during the fire. Of course he doesn't care about that. However, one review in Variety said his eyes are starting to look a little crinkly and now that's all he talks about.
President Bush spent all day Thursday in Southern California touring the state with disaster officials and posing for television cameras amid the fire damage. He was pandering to his conservative base. Now he wants credit for destroying California.
Valerie Plame said Tuesday she was a CIA spy when the White House outed her and ended her career, after her husband found out that Saddam Hussein had no nuclear material as the White House claimed and wrote about it in the New York Times. She's a beautiful blonde and her spy career is over. Even the James Bond movies won't hire her.
China held a worldwide environmental conference Wednesday to come up with ways to clean up Beijing's air for next year's Olympic Summer Games. They're worried that track and field performances will be affected by all the air pollution. Nothing is more embarrassing for the host country than when a javelin gets stuck in the smog.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Opinion
Asleep at the wheel
- Opinion
-
-
Outhouse enthusiast’s hobby more than a relief
Editor’s note: This previously-published column has been a reader favorite and is one of the most requested columns....
-
Homosexuals must convince themselves, God
Editor, The Transcript: I am not one of those in favor of same-sex anything. According to the Bible, homesexuality is a sin. Now maybe there is a new Bible out there — the homosexual Bible. I will check at Barnes & Noble....
-
Occupy movement built on principle
Editor, The Transcript: We the People Stand Tall! Bruce Kessler ends his letter to the editor “We the people must stand up — 8 May, 2012,” with a strong message: We the people — the very words that begin our Constitution — must work ...
-
Parents proud of two schools’ rankings
Editor, The Transcript: Norman parents are justifiably proud that U.S. News and World Report recently ranked Norman High School as No. 6 in our state and No. 862 in the nation and Norman North as No. 9 in the state and 1,096 in the nation ...
-
Reducing state rates would be of minor help
Editor, The Transcript: A Transcript editorial (May 22), in discussing the proposed reduction in income tax rates in HB 3061, states that the “trigger” mechanism is a good thing, citing the rate cut from 5.5 to 5.25 because of the 4 ...
-
Sykes trying to secure seat
Editor, The Transcript: By the time this reaches you, the issues surrounding HB 2440 may have been laid to rest. Based on your article of this date, let me make these observations....
-
Fallin proposes a flawed tax-cut plan
There was some relief in the tax-cut proposal negotiated with Gov. Mary Fallin and Republican legislative leaders, but it still calls for some difficult reductions to some necessary services....
-
Corporate deception rules
Editor, The Transcript: Jamie Dimon, JP Morgan Chase’s chief executive, said he does not know how the bank lost $3 billion (originally estimated at $2 billion) in a trading scheme. He called the trades “sloppy” and “stupid” but could not ...
-
What features create a cultural center?
The question has been raised whether an aquatic center somehow constitutes a cultural center. Although the more thorough response would be to ask, in turn, what features create a cultural center, this short treatise will simply focus on ...
-
Keep the capitol gun-free
Attorneys working for the state AG’s office are now able to carry handguns in their duties representing state agencies. They won’t need a concealed weapon permit. It’s the same as laws allowing U.S. attorneys, district attorneys and their ...
- More Opinion Headlines
-
Outhouse enthusiast’s hobby more than a relief
