Editor, The Transcript
This is an open letter to the person who stole my sister's birthday present off her porch:
Please enjoy the subtle scent of the pumpkin spice candles. I chose them for my sister because heavily perfumed ones trigger her asthma and I thought these would be safe for her. I hope they add ambience to your Thanksgiving table.
It's a tradition with us to give two birthday cards, a serious one and a funny one. Did you gag while reading the heartfelt sentiments of sisterly love that I wrote to the woman who has been my best friend for more than 50 years? I'll bet you laughed all the way to the Dumpster.
I'm sure you especially liked the funny card because it had a pre-paid iTunes gift card tucked inside. Nice, huh? I sincerely hope that every time you listen to a new tune on your iPod or use a new app on your iPhone, you will think of my sister and me and get that same warm, fuzzy feeling you got when you were stealing from us.
My sister's condo sits way back off a side street. Her porch is barely visible, even from the parking lot. I left the gift bag on the door handle late last night, believing it would be safe for the few hours until she left for work and found it. I thought no one would see it except the other tenants, mostly middle-aged people and some of their adult children, and surely they wouldn't steal from their neighbor.
So, thanks for jolting me out of that temporary lapse in which I became trusting and na?ve. I doubt you'll even see this letter as that would require reading a newspaper, which is generally uncharacteristic of immoral pond scum, and it would appeal to a conscience you clearly lack.
Don't forget, it's November already. People will start online holiday shopping soon so you might want to beat the other porch thieves and get a jump on your Christmas stealing. And, happy holidays.
Belle Marshall
Norman
Letters
One unhappy birthday
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