Tired of eating healthy? Fed up with the food police and their incessant whining? Pretty sure that man never was meant to eat tofu or sprouts, let alone enjoy them. And if woman wants to eat those things, that's her business.
Then waddle on down to your nearest Outback, where you can have yourself a heapin' helpin' of "The Worst Food in America."
That, at least, is the opinion of Men's Health magazine in an article headlined, "The 20 Worst Foods in America." At the top of the list is Outback's Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing.
It's not, to be clear, the worst tasting food in America; not as long as my first wife's recipe for pizza topped with chili sauce and dill pickles still is in existence. But it is, the magazine declares, the worst for you: 2,900 calories, 182 grams of fat and 240 grams of carbs.
And it's an APPETIZER.
In its defense, the $7.79 bacon-topped dish is listed at the beginning of the Outback menu under, "Aussie-Tizers to Share." And you can get a half order for $5.79. But, the magazine notes, "even if you split this 'starter' with three friends, you'll have downed a dinner's worth of calories before your entree arrives." (For the record, the recommended daily caloric intake for an adult male is 2,200).
You don't have to go to Outback to expand yourself, of course. My spaghetti carbonara recipe, for instance, consists of spaghetti, eggs, cheese, bacon and sausage, which could do a pretty good job of stretching your shorts. And one time I made noodle kugel, a traditional Jewish side dish that may include noodles, butter, eggs, sugar, cream cheese and sour cream. There's no way that could be healthful for you, even if you added broccoli.
Men's Health's list, though, is limited to franchise restaurants and Outback's cheese fries have plenty of competition, including:
Uno's Chicago Grill Classic Deep Dish Pizza: "Downing this 'personal' pizza is equivalent to eating 18 slices of Domino's Crunchy Thin Crust Pizza."
P.F. Chang's Pork Lo Mein: "You'd have to eat almost five servings of pasta to match the number of carbohydrates it contains."
Chili's Awesome Blossom: "Hard to believe that a single onion can wreak so much nutritional havoc."
Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes: "Well, duh." (That's not Men's Health's comment, it's mine).
Even chains widely believed to offer wholesome fare get rapped. The worst Mexican entree, the magazine declares, is Chipotle's Mexican Grilled Chicken Burrito: "Despite a reputation for using healthy, fresh ingredients, Chipotle's menu is limited to king-size burritos, overstuffed tacos, and gigantic salads -- all of which lead to a humongous waistline."
In the interest of balanced journalism, if not balanced meals, I stopped at an Outback to get a reaction for this column. The manager declined to comment and referred me to the proprietor. The proprietor would only say, that the cheese fries were "one of our popular entrees. Other than that I have no comment." Some folks just don't appreciate the value of free advertising.
The trip wasn't a total waste, though. While I was there I bought a take away order of "The Worst Food in America," which I shared with three friends after we finished playing tennis.
But, Men's Health will be happy to know, we accompanied it with light beer.
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Tired of eating healthy? Take a trip to Outback
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