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March 20, 2008

My tap water is as wet as the stuff in plastic bottles

Ever since my good friend, Bubba, pointed out to me about what fish do in it, I haven't been a big fan of water. Which is not to say that water is a bad thing. Without it, people jumping headfirst into swimming pools would be seriously injured and, even worse, I would not be able to make ice cubes and might have to resort to the latest celebrity idiocy of snorting my vodka.

But I've resisted all attempts by the bottled water pushers to get me to buy something at the store for a dollar or more for that I can get at home for practically free. Especially when the water that comes out of my tap is every bit as wet as the stuff in plastic bottles.

So you can imagine my reaction when I discover there is a Canadian company that is trying to get me to buy bottled water for my dog.

FortiFido is described as "the first ever fortified water for pets with real functional benefits." Which, I assume, means that the water has real functional benefits, because the pet at our house certainly doesn't seem to have any. The product is the result of "18 months of research and development by leading food and beverage scientists combined with the expertise of industry respected veterinarians," according to Cott Corp., one of the world's largest soft drink makers.

"Dogs are more than just pets, they are part of the family and owners want to make the same healthy choices for their pets as they make for their kids or other loved ones," said Dave Vautrin, vice president of marketing and innovation.

According to its "guaranteed analysis," 99.9 percent of FortiFido is "moisture." It is, in fact, basically the same moisture you can get by turning on your nearest faucet. But this moisture is "enhanced" by vitamins and other stuff to address four different functions. And it comes in four different flavors, none of which a regular dog would choose if he or she had anything to say about it.

"Healthy skin" water contains zinc and tastes like parsley, which probably is one of the few chewable substances on earth our dog will not gulp.

"Healthy bones" water is formulated with calcium and is supposed to be "peanut butter flavored," although a disclaimer disclaims that the water "does not contain any peanut allergens," so I don't know how they make it taste like peanut butter. And, even if I did, I'm not sure why anyone would want to drink peanut butter flavored water. Even a dog.

"Fresh breath" water contains niacin and three vitamins that, combined, allegedly give the water a spearmint taste. If I were to buy a bottle of water for my dog, this would be the one, because his breath is not all that great. And it's not easy to get him to use Listerine, because rinsing and spitting are not skills that most dogs can handle. Mostly they just swallow.

"Healthy joints" water contains magnesium, manganese, ascorbic acid and glycine and is supposed to have a lemongrass flavor, whatever lemongrass tastes like.

All four flavors are expected to be widely available soon in 1 or 2 liter bottles, with suggested retail prices of $1.39 and $2.29. And Cott Corp. is confident that the concept has, as they say, "legs."

Four of them.

D.L. Stewart is a columnist for the Dayton Daily News. He may be contacted at dlstewart@daytondailynews.com.

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