The Norman Transcript

Columns

Discussion

December 15, 2012

Fatherhood brings language adjustment

By Garret Leiva The Norman Transcript

NORMAN — I swear that I am not a profane person. However, good football games and bad drivers foul up my language. I am not alone in letting a few swear words fly.

Novelist Samuel Butler called profanity “a kind of prayer.”

Literary critic Cyril Connolly said vulgarity is “the garlic in the salad of taste.”

It’s also been said that swearing is “what is said when one doesn’t know what to say.”

Then along came our daughter — my little potty-mouth defuser.

Whoever said television is a passive experience never watched football at our house.

Far from an armchair quarterback, I follow my team up and down the field — literally.

If it’s fourth and inches, I’m millimeters from the TV screen.

Then there is all the yelling at players, coaches, refs, game announcers; no one is safe from my verbal onslaught.

Then along came our daughter — my little mute button.

Now I must chagrin and bear it when the Detroit Lions fumble at the goal line.

I desperately want to blurt out grammatically incorrect obscenities, but I bite my tongue.

I’ve actually drawn blood.

Driving can also make me veer into curse-word tirades.

Overall, my behind-the-wheel attitude is more avenue annoyance than road rage.

My driving posture changes, however, when I merge onto a busy expressway. Mr. Nice Guy takes a backseat.

My defensive driving turns offensive in nature. I am not above vindictive horn honking and sardonic hand gestures.

Then along came the driving life force buckled up behind me.

Now I curb my tongue when oblivious Reginald Van Dough cuts me off in his fancy SUV.

I simply put the car on cruise control and mumble a verse of “Found a Peanut.”

Another little thing that fatherhood changed is my tolerance of insects. Ants, flies, aphids, beetles — they all bugged me.

I didn’t think twice about squashing a Lepidoptera with my bare hands.

Ladybug or queen bee, my swatting instinct gave no quarter to gender or gentry.

Then along came a certain freckled-face entomologist.

Instead of getting the boot — or a thorax-full of rolled-up newspaper — insects are temporary house guests.

Bugs permanently check out if my daughter isn’t looking.

Under her watchful eye, however, I practice a humane catch-and-release method.

If the catch is too hard, the release resembles a flick usually reserved for boogers.

There are times in life when little things take on great meaning — especially my not-so-little-anymore fifth-grader in girls’ sneakers.

Fatherhood is not a curse, but a true blessing.

Garret Leiva is a columnist for The Record-Eatgle in Trav3erse City, Mich.

For local news and more, subscribe to The Norman Transcript Smart Edition, or our print edition.

Text Only | Photo Reprints
Columns
  • Misinformation clouds global warming

    Next spring I will again have to update my lecture on global warming. Atmospheric carbon dioxide is now rising above the 400 ppm level for the first time in perhaps 5 million years — a scenario humans have never experienced. In my Geology ...

    May 23, 2013

  • Crazy Kim and the Tippy Twos

    Kim Jong Un certainly seems crazy. But sound mind isn’t a requirement for predictable action. Tyrants often mask steady goals with wild behavior. One need only think of world pests like Fidel Castro and Saddam Hussein to realize entire ...

    May 21, 2013

  • U.S. must address shootings

    Editor, The Transcript: This is sent in reply to the letter from Earl Herfurth regarding Second Amendment rights. Certainly, the Second Amendment is an important part of America’s history, but the argument set forth in support of gun ...

    May 20, 2013

  • Gas stations used to command loyalty

    More than 50 years ago, Ed Ruscha set off on a road trip from California to Oklahoma City and back. The young artist was driving to see his mother, who still lived in Oklahoma....

    May 19, 2013

  • Mothers today aren’t like early mothers

    Early mothers were known for their ability and willingness to sew for family as well as friends and neighbors. When clothes needed mending or someone needed a dress or a jacket, many mothers could always come through. “You have to stand ...

    May 16, 2013

  • A few ‘tells’ predict who will blow their money

    During Kentucky Derby week, gambling was at the forefront of my life. Along with non-stop activities in my home state of Kentucky, I spoke at a dinner for the Society of Settlement Professionals in Las Vegas. A film crew flew in from Rome ...

    May 14, 2013

  • Remembering George Nigh

    George Nigh was sworn into office four times and served longer as Oklahoma’s chief executive officer than any other person in the state’s history....

    May 12, 2013

  • Cleveland County needs district judges

    Politics makes strange bedfellows. Rep. Bobby Cleveland and I have had our disagreements, and likely neither wishes to share a bed with the other. Perhaps we’ve forgiven but not forgotten, but on the issue of an additional district ...

    May 9, 2013

  • New budget is fiscally responsible

    Over the course of the legislative session, the crafting of the state budget is the biggest task we face each spring....

    May 7, 2013

  • Testing limits, cadets

    When the Norman police sergeant insisted on taking me home after a night of binge drinking this week, my first thought was what would the neighbors think when the patrol car creeped into my driveway and my exit was from the back seat? ...

    May 5, 2013