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December 22, 2012

The sartorial secrets of a fat man

The Norman Transcript

NORMAN — In the spirit of the season of giving, I am sharing information on how a chubby man might look a bit slimmer without dieting.

First, you must be willing to buy new clothes occasionally and also be comfortable with some wardrobe deception.

Most men face the prospect of steadily increasing waistlines. In addition to pants, that expansion also affects shirt and coat sizes and the length of neckties.

That last item may surprise you but it is vital that the tip of the necktie always reach your beltline.

If not, that tie hanging halfway down your shirt looks like a pointer to your pot belly.

Wearing extra long ties should solve the problem nicely. A regular tie can be worn long by attaching the short end securely to the long end.

Your beltline should be as close to the navel as possible, the way many of us learned to wear our uniforms while in the military.

Those who routinely let their belt slip under their belly, otherwise known as “dunlop disease,” may want to stop reading if they’re not willing to pull up their pants.

By the way, “dunlop” gets its name from the obvious fact that the belly “done lopped over the belt.”

Letting pants ride low on your hips – although fashionable in many places – emphasizes girth and might expose that vertical cleavage behind you.

And, as the waistline grows, make sure you get longer belts. Each should be at least 1.5 inches wide so they won’t roll under your waistband.

New belts always should be the same style and color so that no one notices you’re wearing a bigger one.

Shirts, too, must grow as your waistline does. Front buttons straining to hold the shirt together are a sure sign of extra weight.

And that’s really obvious if your collar is too tight. Big guys shouldn’t buy shirts with button-down collars if they wear ties. They will roll, instead of spreading flat like a pointed or straight collar.

Another mistake is to use a collar extender that allows you to wear a too-small shirt. That flexibility might feel good but your collars won’t lay right and you might pop some buttons.

As for pants, buy bigger ones as your waist grows, maintaining the same style and color so it’s not obvious that the others are too small. The same goes for suits and sport coats.

My wife says a better title for this piece might have been “what to do when your hunk becomes a chunk.”

Keith Kappes is a columnist for The Morehead (Ky.) News. Contact him at kkappes@cnhi.com.

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